I am bad, I am very bad. Every time I hear about General Petraeus, I think, “Doctor Zaius!”.
Tag: humor
-
Before Swine
After a brief (very brief) discussion of how pearls are made:
Rebecca: So people who wear pearls are wearing oyster spit?
Me: Yes…
Rebecca: So why did you make Aunt Maryanne a pearl necklace? -
Worst Movie Ever
Matthew, on _Alone in the Dark_: “It’s like somebody died in the middle of production, and they lost the script, and they just kept shooting and shooting and then went, ‘Oh, crap, we have to make a movie out of this’.”
-
Spam®
Marcus, regarding his fried SPAM(r) sandwich: “Mom, this is delicious! It’s like it was in a marinade!”
Me: “Oh, God.”Marcus, while reading off movie titles while we were all in the throes of the flu: “The Fear of All Sums.”
Matthew: “Noooo, not 2+2!” -
Angry Farts
After a very long day full of annoyances and disappointments, Marcus was rather cranky. He and Becca got into a row over toys, and I sent them both downstairs to undress for their bath–only by then, Marcus was so grumpy that he didn’t want a bath.
“No! I do not want a bath! I want to go to bed dirty,” he screamed as I carried him down the stairs. Not taking a bath was out of the question, as in the course of the afternoon he had played in the muddy backyard until it began raining again.
“No! I hate getting wet! I want my clothes on! You are a bad mother!,” he cried as I undressed him and lifted him (not a mean feat when he’s throwing a tantrum) into the tub where Becca was already arranging shampoo bottles.
“No! No! No! No! _No!_,” he fussed as I turned on the water.
“It is too hot! It is too cold! It is wet! I have soap in my eyes! I want a new mother!,” he complained vociferously as I bathed him. Becca had no complaints.
“I want cavities! I hate clean teeth! Mmph mmmph mmph!,” he screamed, even as he opened his mouth to let me brush his molars.
It was quite a tantrum, and it just kept getting sillier and more ridiculous as he went through his paces.
